Wool is a wonderful fibre. It is warm, soft and forgiving. It is also, once slept on, an object of great sentimental complexity. This guide explains how to wash wool that a cat has occupied, and what to expect from the process.
First, assess the damage
Hold the garment at arm’s length. Look at it. Do you see fur? Almost certainly. Do you see a small round dent? Likely. Do you see a slight dampness along one edge? We prefer not to discuss it.
Second, remove the loose fur
Use a soft brush, a lint roller, or a damp rubber glove. Work in short strokes. Do not rush. A cat’s fur is made of something stronger than ordinary hair, and will cling like a rumour. You will remove about half. The rest will appear in your soup.
Third, check the label
Many garments carry a care label. Some say ‘Hand wash only’. Some say ‘Cool wash’. Some say ‘Do not tumble dry’. None say ‘Cat’. You are on your own.
Fourth, wash gently
- Fill a basin with cool water
- Add a mild wool detergent
- Submerge the garment, and press gently
- Leave for ten minutes
- Rinse, without wringing
The cat will arrive at this point to supervise. Do not let her near the water. She will tell you she is only looking. She is not.
Fifth, dry flat
Lay the garment on a clean towel and roll it gently to remove moisture. Then lay it flat on a drying rack. Do not hang it, as wool stretches. Do not leave it in sunlight, as wool fades. Do not leave it unattended, as the cat will move in.
Sixth, accept what happens
You will return in an hour to find the garment dry, folded and occupied. The cat will look at you with a mild expression, as though she has been there all along. Allow her to remain. A garment that has been slept on twice is a garment that has been approved.
A final word
This guide is a parody. For real laundry advice, please read the label on your real garments, and ask a real person who knows about wool. We know about cats. We have never washed anything.