FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Yarn Ball Emporium is pleased to announce that its Tangle Insurance product has been extended to cover tangles that have not yet occurred. The new Pre Tangle Protection is available to all customers, and comes with a free scissors, which we advise you not to use.
Background
Tangle Insurance, Covers Everything, has been a great success since it launched. Customers appreciate the peace of mind it brings. A knitter who owns a policy can leave a ball of wool on the floor and know that, whatever happens, a small card has been filed.
The product has one flaw: it covers only tangles that exist. By the time a customer files a claim, the tangle is usually beyond help, and so is the wool. Our new policy addresses this by offering compensation in advance.
What the policy covers
- Tangles in progress
- Tangles about to begin
- Tangles that began before you arrived
- Knots of unknown origin
- Any yarn that has been dragged beneath the sofa
- One cat, in the event that the cat is the tangle
What the policy does not cover
The policy does not cover wilful untangling. Our Chief Underwriter, a stern grey cat named Skein, explains: ‘If a human attempts to untangle a tangle, it is no longer a tangle. It is a project. We cannot insure projects.’
How to claim
To make a claim, simply stand in the middle of the room holding a knotted mass and wait. A member of staff will arrive within a few days and look at it with great solemnity. A form will be completed in pawprints. After a review period of six to eight weeks, you will receive a reply that says: ‘Noted.’
Statement from leadership
‘We believe this is a major step forward for yarn safety,’ said Madame Purlina Tangle, founder. ‘Our customers are no longer afraid of tangles. They are afraid of nothing. They are protected, in a legal sense, and also in a sentimental one.’
About Yarn Ball Emporium
Yarn Ball Emporium provides everything you need to knit, and everything a cat needs to unravel. This is a parody business. Our insurance is fictional, and the claim form is a drawing of a cat. Please consult a real insurer for real policies.