Hello, knitters. I am Madame Purlina Tangle, founder of Yarn Ball Emporium, and I have been knitting for thirty one years. In that time I have completed four garments, one of which fits. This guide is about the thing that comes before all of them: casting on. Specifically, casting on before the cat notices you have yarn.
Why timing matters
A cat notices yarn at the moment you pick it up. This is a scientific constant. The only question is how long the cat will pretend not to care. In my shop, the pretence lasts about six seconds. In some homes it lasts three. In rare cases the cat is already in the room, already looking, and the yarn has not yet left the bag.
Step one: prepare the room
Close the door. Close it twice. Check the window, the vent and the gap under the sofa. Put a cushion over the radiator, because a cat will hide there and study you. Ensure the lights are dim, as bright lights make the yarn look interesting.
Step two: choose your cast on
For speed, I suggest the long tail method. It uses one needle and a surprising amount of nerve. The knot is simple. The tail is long, and the tail is the problem, because the tail dangles, and the dangle is a message to the cat that the game has begun.
Step three: cast on
- Make a slip knot, quickly
- Place it on the needle
- Wrap the yarn around your thumb and finger
- Pull through, and repeat
Count twenty stitches. Do not count aloud. A cat can hear a count.
Step four: accept your fate
At some point, usually around stitch fourteen, a small paw will appear from beneath the chair. Then another. Then an entire cat, flat to the floor, in a posture of the purest professionalism. You have two options. You may abandon the cast on, or you may continue and allow the yarn to be unwound at the rate of one stitch per second.
Advice from the shop
Our staff recommend casting on in a locked cupboard, with a torch, in complete silence. Several staff members have done this. One has not come out. Skein, our mascot, advises against all of it and suggests a nap.
Final thought
Knitting is a wonderful hobby. It teaches patience, calm and humility, three things that a cat will remove from you in moments. Cast on with courage, and if you lose, do not be sad. The yarn is happier this way.